Jokes From Cousin Glen
Fish on Friday
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I fish on Fridays.
Mike the Irishman
Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
“What’s your name,” asked the teacher.
“Mohammad,” he replied.
“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Mike.”
Mohammad returned home after school.
“How was your day, Mohammad,” his mother asked?
“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike.
“Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, and your religion?
Shame on you!” And his mother beat the crap out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the crap out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. “What happened to you, Mike?” she asked.
“Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two Muslims.
New Corvette Sale
A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”
Once again., don’t mess with seniors.
Only a farm kid would see it this way!??????
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.
No, they went to town.
How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?
No, he went with Mom and Dad.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself.
When the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.
Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.
The boy thought for a moment, then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that”.
I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding home in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!”
“Bring them all as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”
A teacher asked her class how many of them were Bernie Sanders fans.
Not really knowing what a Bernie Sanders fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different, again.
Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a Bernie Sanders fan.’
The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you a Bernie Sanders fan?’
Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Conservative.’
The teacher asked him why he’s a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mom’s a Conservative and my Dad’s a Conservative, so I’m a Conservative.’
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your Mom was a Moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’
Little Johnny replied, ‘A Bernie Sanders fan.’
The Republican and the Union Boss
A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.
The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican.”
Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Union Boss.
After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, “Thank you!”
A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.
Just as before, this STILL doesn’t seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, “Thank you!!”
Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, “What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts.?
Nope,” replies the bartender, he owns the place.
The Chicken and the Goose
A man went shopping and went into a hardware store and bought a can of paint and a bucket. He then went into a grocery store and bought a live chicken and goose.
Outside the store a woman approached him and asked can you escort me home? The man answered yes, I have a shortcut down this alley.
The woman replied, if we go down that alley you might take advantage of me. The man answered, how could I do that, I have a chicken and a goose under each arm, a can of paint in one hand and a bucket in the other?
The woman replied, put the can of paint in the bucket and sit it down, leave the goose under your arm, and hand me the chicken.
A New Immigrant from Russia
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It’s 11:00 AM on a Wednesday. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you, Mr. American, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”
The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally.”
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America.” The person says, “I not American, I am Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago.”
The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America! That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East. I am not American. It was easy to get here via Canada.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?” She says, “No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago.”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?” The African lady checks her watch and says: “Probably at work.”
Lesson for Today:
The word shit is an acronym, SHIT, (Stow High In Transit)
An Interesting Fact about Manure
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
t was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles – you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction Stow High In Transit, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this “volatile” cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term, SHIT, (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
Husband’s Makes a Call to His Wife
“Honey it’s me. I don’t want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe.
Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot.”
Wife’s Response, “Who the hell is Paula?”
Hmmm, jealousy prevails.
30 Dollar Bet
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.
He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o’clock news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.
Alexandria looked at Jack and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?” Jack said, “You know what, I bet he will.” Alexandria replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Jack replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”
Alexandria replied, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Jack took the money.
Alexandria went back to work in the U.S. Congress.
Young housewife wanted quiet while cooking dinner.
A young housewife told her husband she was going into the kitchen to cook dinner and wanted complete quietness.
So the husband pulled the battery out of the smoke alarm.
Snowed Last Night
- 8:00 am: I made a snowman.
- 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
- 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman.
- 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest, saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
- 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy-fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
- 8:22 – The transgender man, women, person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.
- 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
- 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
- 8:30 – I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
- 8:37 – Accused of using a black face on the snowman…snow persons.
- 8:39 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
- 8:40 – The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
- 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
- 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
- 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs”, and am now called a sexist.
- 9:00 – I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
- 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
- 9:29 – Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
- 9:45 – The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
- 10:00 – I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman…
Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes!
Over Taxed, Some States, Some Fun with Taxes
- Accounts Receivable Tax
- Building Permit Tax
- CDL license Tax
- Cigarette Tax
- Corporate Income Tax
- Dog License Tax
- Excise Taxes
- Federal Income Tax
- Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
- Fishing License Tax
- Food License Tax
- Fuel Permit Tax
- Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon)
- Gross Receipts Tax
- Hunting License Tax
- Inheritance Tax
- Inventory Tax
- IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
- Liquor Tax
- Luxury Taxes
- Marriage License Tax
- Medicare Tax
- Personal Property Tax
- Property Tax
- Real Estate Tax
- Service Charge Tax
- Social Security Tax
- Road Usage Tax
- Recreational Vehicle Tax
- Sales Tax
- School Tax
- State Income Tax
- State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
- Telephone Federal Excise Tax
- Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
- Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
- Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
- Telephone Recurring and Nonrecurring Charges Tax
- Telephone State and Local Tax
- Telephone Usage Charge Tax
- Utility Taxes
- Vehicle License Registration Tax
- Vehicle Sales Tax
- Watercraft Registration Tax
- Well Permit Tax
- Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What in the heck happened? Can you spell ‘politicians?
I hope this goes around THE USA!!! YOU can help it get there!!! GO AHEAD… BE AN AMERICAN!!!
Country Singer Tennessee Ernie Ford Joke and a Little History
A little history on Tennessee Ernie Ford
Tennessee Ernie Ford was a big country singer with a large band. He probably came out of the 1930s and was big in the 1940s, he called himself a pea picker.
He had a great orchestra with horns and backup singers, with a great baritone voice, he was noted for doing country, but his voice and band led you to assume they could cover pop too, I think he could do light opera, light the voice of Gordon MacRae if he wanted.
Ford and his band went on into the 50s, 60s, etc.
Tennessee Ernie Ford joke that was told on a recording of 16 Tons.
It was recorded on stage to a live audience.
As Tennessee Ernie Ford told the following joke he made funny remarks as he told it like this:
You up there in the roost, and running through the bathroom barefooted.
A beautiful showgirl came back to his part of the country to take some time off and rest. She rented a room ina nice farmhouse and settled in.
She took walks through the fields, meadows, and woods.
One day it was so hot she decided to take a walk and found herself walking in the woods in back of the farmhouse, boy it sure was hot.
Shortly she came to a nice calm river, well I think I’ll take a swim, it was so hot. So she took her clothes off and put them on a rock, and jumped into the river.
Then the young Walker boy for no reason at all came down big footing through the woods, he hadn’t been there for 6 months. He got down on the bank of the river and saw ladies clothes laying on a rock, he looked out into the water and fortunately our heroine was in deep enough of the water. Of course his eyes bugged out like a stomped on toad frog.
Well he sat down on the rock, and she saw him and thought he’ll get up shortly and leave, and I’ll get out and get dressed and go back to the house.
Well not that boy. Finally it was getting later and she was getting a little cold, and said, young man would you mind getting up and going away, I have to come out and get dressed and go to the house.
He kept sitting there, and she begged him, and he sat.
Moving around in the water, she tried to keep warm, it was getting late. Her foot hit something on the river bottom, wondering what it was,, she reached down and picked it up, it was an old large dishpan.
She covered herself up pretty good with it, and came storming out of the river up to him and said, young man do you know what I think?
He said yes mam, I think you think there’s a bottom in that dishpan.
Then he went on to sing 16 Tons, backed up with his band.
Interesting US History Story from Glen
Glen gave me an article on US history that was so good, I decided to add a note or 2 of historical history, as this great story is part of the U.S. history, as it developed into the worlds greatest country ever.
It was great to add to this wonderful character that lived in a great glorious time of American history, around the mid 1850s.
The TRUCKEE, Calif. – Western stagecoach companies had a large operating business back in the latter half of the 19th century.
In addition to passenger travel or freight, these stages hauled gold and silver prepared for shipping along with mining company payrolls.
Stage robbery was a constant danger during those times, the bandits came up with many ways of hijacking a stage.
The robbers rarely met with much resistance from the stage drivers, as passenger safety was foremost in mind. These gang were after the banks money box with its valuable contents. The passengers were left alone, but they were relieved of any valuables such as, cash, watches and jewelry.
Stagecoaches became a transportation of the past as the railroads came into the mode of travel, passengers and freight hauling trains were the business that promoted the giant growth of the nation.
The wooden Stagecoaches were slow as the teams of horses could only travel at a manageable rate of speed along the dusty dirt roads. The stagecoaches had hard skilled fearless men at the reins along with a shotgun rider, putting their skills to the max.
Stagecoaches came along though in their time period, as America grew and travel expanded, but as history has revealed, the railroad replaced them.
Now we can introduce one of the most famous drivers of that famous past, Charles Darkey Parkhurst. Hehad come west from New England in that historical part of the nations history, 1852, seeking his fortune in the Gold Rush. Spending 15 years running stages, sometimes partnering with Hank Monk, the renowned driver from Carson City.
Over the years Pankhurst’s reputation as an expert whip grew, but from 20 feet away Parkhurst could slice open the end of an envelope or cut a cigar out of a man’s mouth. He smoked cigars, chewed wads of tobacco, drank with the best of them, and exuded supreme confidence behind the reins of the stagecoach. His judgment was sound and pleasant manners which won him many friends.
One afternoon as Charley drove down from Carson Pass the lead horses veered off the dirt road and a huge jolt threw him from the rig. He hung on to the reins as the team dragged him along on his stomach.
Amazingly, after being dragged along on his stomach Parkhurst managed to steer the frightened horses back onto the roads of that historical history and reunite with all his grateful passengers.
During these early times, 1850s, the stagecoach was a prime goal for the bands of robbing outlaw highwaymen, who would shout with their leveled shotguns at stage drivers and say Throw down the hopefully loaded box, which were designed as known to hold valuables.
Charley Parkhurst had no patience for these hostile crooks despite their demands with loaded guns and threatening demands.
The most notorious outlaw stagecoach robber was nicknamed Sugarfoot. When he and his gang attempted to rob Charley’s stage, it was the last robbery this fearsome way of life bandit ever attempted.
Charley cracked his whip defiantly, and when his horses bolted, he turned his? frame around and fired his revolver at the desperado, Sugarfoot was later found dead with a fatal bullet wound in his stomach.
In the appreciation of Charley’s bravery, Wells Fargo who hauled cash in the money and other valuables box presented Parkhurst with a large watch with a chain made of solid gold.
In 1865, Parkhurst got tired of the demanding job of driving a stagecoach, and heopened his own stage station. He later sold his business and retired to a ranch near Soquel, California.
As the years went by Charley died on December 29, 1879, at the young age of 67, long for that time.
The Sacramento Daily Bee published his obituary A few days later, It read:
“On Sunday last, there died a person known as Charley Parkhurst, aged 67, who was well-known to old residents as a stage driver. He was, in early days, accounted one of the most expert manipulators of the reins who ever sat on the box of a coach. It was discovered when friendly hands were preparing him for his final rest, that Charley Parkhurst was unmistakably a well-developed woman!”
Once it was discovered that Charley was a woman, there were plenty of comments saying they had always thought he didn’t resembled the makeup of most men, though he wore leather gloves during the summer and winters, it was noticed by many that his hands were small and smooth.
He slept in the stables with his beloved horses and was never of known to have a girlfriend. Charley never expressed clues to her past. Loose fitting clothing hid her womanhood, and after being kicked by a horse she wore an eye patch over one eye which helped conceal her face.
She weighed just 175 pounds, and could handle herself in a fistfight, was known also to drink whiskey like one of the boys. It eventually was known that Charley’s real name was Charlotte Parkhurst.
She was abandoned as a child, and raised in a New Hampshire orphanage, went through those lonely days being unloved and surrounded by poverty. Charlotte ran away at the age of 15 years old and soon discovered that life in the working world was best for men. So she made the decision to masquerade as a man for the rest of her life.
The rest is history, but wait, there is one last thing:
Charlotte Parkhurst cast her vote in an national election On November 3, 1868, dressed as a man. She became the first woman known to of voted in the United States, 52 years before Congress passed the 19th amendment giving American women the right to vote!